What am I scared of?
Only everything. I'm scared of rejection, I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of things going horribly wrong.
I'm scared of being lonely
of being inadequate
of getting caught.
I'm terrified of taking risks that involve any strong emotions.
Some people have the power to leave me petrified without even looking at me.
I'm scared of falling, of drowning, of dying.
I'm scared I'll loose my fingers one day and I"ll never get to play the guitar or Tetris again.
I'm scared I'll lose everyone on accident. Or rather, that they'll lose me on purpose.
I hate that.
So why am I reminding myself of everything I fear?
During a testing session, the proctor asked if any of us wanted a blank sheet of paper to write on before the test. She said that there's a useful de-stressing technique in which you write down everything you are anxious about on the paper, crumple it up, and throw it away. This makes your fears seem a bit more tangible, and the act of crumpling it up and throwing it away is symbolic to you doing the same thing but mentally.
Apparently some university did a study on the effect this technique had on students who had to take big standardized tests and the results were positive. Kids who performed the paper therapist ritual tended to score higher on their tests than those who didn't.
After hearing that, I raised my hand for a piece of paper. But all I did was write every single cuss word I knew (in English AND Spanish).
I wrote so furiously, trying to fill any white spaces with vulgarities and obscenities to try and remove them from my brain so that the calculus formulas and theorems that were buried beneath this pile of curse words would be more accessible.
After a minute or two, I stared at my masterpiece. I smushed it between my sweaty palms and made a point of slamming it into the waste bin before returning to my seat.
I felt so much better afterward. Like when you finally barf whatever was making your stomach feel like Hell the entire day.
Relief.
I still failed that test. Such a pity, too. It was kind of an important test.
But I felt good about it anyway.
At least I failed with dignity. I didn't cry and I didn't puke.
So that's why I decided to write down all of my fears today and give them permanent residence on the internet. Maybe then those horrible fears can get buried in other crap from my head and result in me being less scared. It may not result in me being any more successful at any of those things, but at least I won't puke and at least I won't cry.
I'll feel better.
